Cultivating Confidence in Girls

Did you know that girls’ confidence declines sharply between 5th and 9th grade?

Our research with nearly 11,000 girls across the country discovered that by the time girls get to high school...

• 46% don’t believe they’re smart enough for their dream career

• 1 in 3 avoid leadership positions because they don’t want to appear bossy

• 1 in 2 don’t speak their mind or disagree with others because they want to be liked

Even among the highest achieving girls, confidence is an issue: 30% with a 4.0 grade point average don’t think they’re smart enough for their dream job.

Girls told our researchers over and over again that what they need to be successful in life is confidence.

Confident girls are more likely to share their opinions. Confident girls trust themselves and each other. Confident girls grow up to be the brave leaders of tomorrow.

So how do we help our girls feel more confident?

Today's girls need adults in their lives who recognize the pressures they face, understand their realities, and commit to working toward a better future for girls.

Today's girls need you.

At ROX, we're committed to creating generations of confident girls who control their own relationships, decisions, experiences and futures. We know that together, with your help, we can turn this crisis of confidence into an opportunity of a generation.

To help the girl in your life build her confidence, check-out the strategies highlighted in our bite-sized videos and tipsheets at www.roxinstitute.org.

All Bodies are Good Bodies: Teaching Girls Positive Body Image

By Julie Ohlemacher, MA

I was a sophomore in college when I hit rock bottom in my disordered relationship to food, exercise and my body. It was then that I began my slow journey of healing, starting with a sense of curiosity.

Why did I hate my body so much? Why did I feel so all-or-nothing with food? Why did I feel possessed by the gym and the calorie counter on my watch? Why was I constantly critiquing every inch of my body in the mirror?

Soon, my curiosity evolved into an academic study and a Master’s degree from The Ohio State University. What I learned is that while it’s true there are many cultural influences outside of our control that contribute to poor body image and lack of self-worth in girls from a young age, it’s also true that there is much in our control. We have the ability to teach girls that their bodies are good because they give them life and that they are so much more than their bodies.

When I was a child, the adults in my life didn’t know that their words and actions around bodies were hurting me. It was just the cultural norm.

Conversations around counting points and calories were abundant. Messages about their bodies being too big were frequent, as was poking, prodding and squeezing their bellies, wishing they would disappear. Celebrations of losing weight and becoming smaller as if that was the best thing a woman could do. Neighbor moms telling their daughters to rethink their swimsuit choices. Little ears were listening. Little brains were learning.

Soon, it was 11-year-old me standing in front of the mirror squeezing at my own belly fat wishing it would disappear.

But please hear me when I say: I do not blame any of the people in my life for my own disordered relationship with food and my body. I blame diet culture. I blame the beauty industry.

I blame entire systems making billions off of the premise that the most important thing about a woman is how closely she fits society’s standards of beauty.

All we want is to be loved, to belong. And when society tells us we must look a certain way to achieve love and belonging, how could I blame anyone for following the rules?

I’ve always been a proponent of the saying, “when we know better, we can do better.” I also always believe that we’re all doing the very best we can at any given moment in our lives. We’re going to mess up. We’re going to get things wrong. That’s ok: in fact, that’s human.

With that understanding, here are a few simple changes we can make to teach girls positive body image and meaningful self-worth.

1. Teach girls that their bodies are instruments, not ornaments.

This saying, “our bodies are instruments, not ornaments,” comes from my two favorite body image experts, Drs Lindsey and Lexie Kite. (They’re twins! Check out their book, More Than a Body, for a fantastic resource on body image.) This saying grounds us in the most critical part of body image work: shifting out of self-objectification (when we primarily see our bodies as ornaments for other people to view and judge) and back into our embodied humanity (experiencing our bodies as the living, breathing human beings that they are). When we ground ourselves in the truth that our bodies give us life, we stop living as objects to be viewed by others and start living as human beings.

Instill this into your girls by shifting conversations about bodies away from objectification. Teach girls that they don’t exist to be judged based on how closely their bodies match society’s beauty ideals (that are always changing). Instead, teach girls to value their bodies for allowing their incredible selves to move about the world. Ask girls how they feel, center conversations around who they want to be and what they want to do, rather than how they look.

2. Teach girls that their worth and value in this world is inherent. They do not need to look any certain way to be valuable.

Our culture loves to teach girls that how we look is the most important thing about us. Teach your girls that their value and worth in this world is inherent. They were filled with value and worth the day they were born, and that does not change. No matter their body size, looks, or abilities, they are worthy and valuable just as they are.

3. Instill in your girls that all bodies are good bodies.

We live in a world that praises smaller bodies as being better than larger bodies. But the reality is many of us are meant to live in bigger bodies (and healthfully so). Christy Harrison’s book, Anti-Diet, does a fantastic job teaching what true health and wellbeing look like (and spoiler: it’s not about achieving a goal weight).

When we realize that body size is as genetic as our heights, we realize that elevating smaller bodies as better than bigger bodies is another form of discrimination. Dr. Sabrina Strings even teaches that fatphobia has racist roots in her book, Fearing the Black Body.

Teach your girls that all bodies are good bodies, no matter their size or ability.

4. Avoid celebrating weight-loss or making any body-related comments.

When we celebrate weight-loss, we’re teaching the person we’re complimenting (as well as anyone else in earshot) that their smaller body is better than their bigger body. We’re focusing on how the body looks, and this is a form of objectification.

This can drive disordered eating and exercise behaviors. When I lost the most weight in college, I was engaging in very disordered behaviors. The compliments fed my disorder.

If you know a friend has been exercising more and want to celebrate her newfound joy of movement, center the conversation around how energetic she seems or ask her what she loves about that new cycling class she’s been raving about. (This is another example of shifting away from objectification and back into our humanity!)

Even compliments of, “you look great!” teach our girls that looks matter most. Try using compliments like, “it’s so good to see you!” or “I just love your energy!” or “your sense of humor is the best!”

5. Teach girls body gratitude practices.

This is an easy practice that you can do daily: perhaps at bath time, before bed, or at soccer practice. Lead by example and say, “I’m grateful that my feet let me go for that walk today! What did your feet do today that you’re grateful for?” Another example, “I’m so grateful my belly digested all that yummy food today and turned it into nutrients! What are you grateful for your belly doing today?”

Remember: this is about what our bodies do for us. Not about how our bodies look. The more we regularly appreciate all that our bodies do for us, the more positive and abundant relationships we will build with our bodies.

Center clothing (including swimsuit) conversations around what feels most comfortable on their (or your!) body.

When shopping or getting dressed, center your conversation around how the clothes feel on her body: will the clothes allow her to move throughout her day in a comfortable way?

When looking for swimsuits, for example, will the suit stay on when she’s jumping into the pool or splashing in the waves? Encourage her to think about how the swimsuit will allow her to have fun in the sun, rather than focusing on how she looks. Think functionality. This again shifts us away from objectifying our bodies.

6. Lead by example.

You may have noticed that much of the above work is led by you – the mentor in your girls’ lives. It’s about your words, your actions.

This takes practice and is not the norm for most of us given our cultural conditioning. While many of us struggle with our own body image, it can feel hard to be a beacon of self-love for our girls. Exercise lots of grace and self-compassion as you begin thinking about these teachings.

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If you’re looking for more help and support, feel free to email me at julie@julieohlemacher.com for more resources. My podcast, “The Babesment,” has two years’ worth of episodes to listen to and can be found anywhere you listen to podcasts. And as mentioned before, More Than a Body by Drs Lindsey and Lexie Kite, as well as Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison, MPH, RD, are great books to further your learning.

Empowering a Generation of Strong Girls to Take Charge of Their Future

Girls learn when they’re really young that they should be nice and they should be kind and they should make sure that other people like them. What they don’t always get reinforced is that they also have a right to set boundaries and stand up for themselves and say “no.”

-Dr. Lisa Hinkelman

ROX Founder Dr. Lisa Hinkelman joined “18 Summers: Podcast for Parents” hosted by Jim and Jamie Sheils. In their half-hour conversation, they discuss the proven strategies in Lisa’s book, Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life. Tune in to hear how to help teen girls navigate the challenges of growing up in today’s world.

Key takeaways to listen for:

• Social media dilemma: Effects and parental intervention

• The challenges girls face growing up versus their male peers

• How can parents start building trust before girls reach adolescence?

• Powerful advice to support girls

For more tips, sign-up here and our next post will be sent straight to your inbox!

Have you ever said, "I know what it's like to be your age"?

"I know what it's like to be your age."

Truth be told...adults do NOT know what it’s like to be a teen girl today.

Girls report being under constant stress and that there is no one to talk to about their feelings. There is immense pressure to fit in with their peers, to please parents and teachers, and to act, look, and do everything flawlessly.

Add social media to the mix and girls are navigating a complex and stressful world that is far different from our teen experiences.

As adults, we want to be that person our girls can talk to about their feelings. Sometimes, it can feel like our girls have shut us out before we can even try to help.

While we have good intentions and are just trying to be more relatable, saying, “I know what it’s like being your age,” actually works against us! Statements like this undermine our girls’ unique experiences and what she ends up hearing is, “I don’t understand you and I don’t care to understand you.”

Instead, approach conversations with girls with a lens of curiosity and a desire to understand HER experiences. Rather than trying to convince girls that we get it, we should instead invest time and energy into listening and learning.

So the next time the girl in your life comes to you with a challenge or wants to talk through something with you, try one of these door opening questions:

• "That sounds really hard. What has that experience been like for you?"

• "That situation seems tricky. How do you think you might handle that?"

• "I don’t know too much about that. Can you tell me more?"

For more tips on this topic, read chapter 8, The Pressure to Be Perfect: Stress and Coping in an Age of Perfectionism and Helicopter Parents in the best-selling book, Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life, by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman. Sign-up here to have our next blog sent straight to your inbox!

Black Girls are Ready to Lead: Celebrating Black Girls This Month & Beyond

Girls get mixed messages as to what it means to be a leader. Often girls are labeled “bossy” when they share and assert their ideas, which dissuades them from sharing.

Girls’ confidence declines as they get older, and their sense of themselves as capable, good at lots of things, and smart enough to pursue their passions becomes compromised throughout middle school and on to high school.

On the other hand, what we see for girls of color, specifically Black girls, is notably different from their peers. In fact, we see that Black girls are the most equipped and eager to lead. Take a peek at what the data tells us: 

• Black girls' confidence INCREASES from elementary to middle school, while all other groups of girls experience a sharp decline. ⁣

• Black girls are more likely to believe they are smart enough for their dream jobs compared to their same-age peers.

• Black girls embrace being in charge and are not afraid to express their opinions.

During Black History Month, ROX is proud to share these data points from our latest research, Girls, Diversity & The Future. This study offers a glimpse into the world of today's girls and their unique beliefs, behaviors and barriers across demographics. Join us in exploring what lifts-up and holds-back our Black girls and what solutions the research reveals to address the disparities.

Click here to download a copy of the "Girls, Diversity & The Future" study and watch a video of the researchers discussing the findings. Sign-up here to have our next blog sent straight to your inbox!

Celebrating an Empowered Voice

“I came to the conclusion that there is an existential moment in your life when you must decide to speak for yourself; nobody else can speak for you.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

For many of us, it is really hard to speak up. It’s hard to speak up because maybe we have tried to speak up in the past and it didn’t go well. It’s hard to speak up because we fear that if we do, we could upset the other person. Maybe we hesitate to speak up because we think that our ideas will be rejected, we’ll sound “stupid”, or we might be embarrassed. Sometimes we don’t speak up because we think that it won’t truly make a difference.

At ROX, we are committed to creating spaces where girls can speak up. Where they have opportunities to learn, grow, connect and understand. Where they can explore their similarities – and their differences – in a safe environment.

Because we know that there is no singular experience of being a girl today and that not all girls experience the world in the same way. Creating connections, support and understanding across difference means that we must intentionally create environments for girls – and for grown-ups – to be curious, to ask questions, to challenge misconceptions and to seek understanding.

No one changes their mind or opens their heart to a new opinion or perspective as a result of being humiliated, made fun of or demeaned. When you give people the chance to connect with one another, face-to-face, in a safe environment where they can authentically share themselves, they have the chance to have an emotional connection. When we see one another's shared humanity, we can see one another in a new light.

But these connections don’t happen without contact and without sharing an experience. Nor do they happen without honesty and authenticity. So we have a responsibility to ourselves – and to the people and causes that we care about – to be brave, honest and authentic.

AND

We have a responsibility to one another to create spaces where others can “speak for themselves”.

As we continue to celebrate the bravery, honor, authenticity and commitment of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., we share our organizational commitment to creating more equitable environments, encouraging more empowered voices, and providing safe opportunities to explore and learn.

Thank you for being part of this work.

What Girls Hear When Adults Talk About Their Weight Loss Goals

If you're like us, nearly every adult in your circle is talking about their "new year, new me" goals -- many of which seem to fall into the bucket of weight loss.

The start of a new year is a great time to pause and reflect. What it's not a great time for is the self-criticism that often comes along with that. Diet culture is in full swing right now, and our skinny-obsessed world is taking out all of the stops to ensure we don't feel good enough.

Which means that girls are hearing from the majority of the adults in their lives about their calorie intake, the carbs they need to cut, or all of the exercise they need to do to burn off that holiday fat.

Here's the thing. The majority of girls already lack confidence in their changing bodies. Puberty accounts for some of these confidence challenges, however, girls are also inundated with harmful messages about the ideal body size, shape, and image. These internalized messages can impact the way that a girl feels about herself, which can contribute to lower levels of confidence.

Unfortunately, girls’ perception of their bodies has a huge impact on their self-esteem, and it is not until we de-emphasize the importance of looks and emphasize the importance of other traits and characteristics that we begin to shift these perceptions. We want girls to value who they are and what they are good at over what they look like.

That can start with you. During this season of goal-setting and vision-building for the next year, we encourage you to make a conscious decision to refrain from negative comments about your body and, instead, look for ways to uplift and support those around you.

Here are some other ways to promote positive body image with the girls in your life:

• Work with girls to practice positive, affirming self-talk (and have them hear you do so, too!)

• Help girls identify role models who exhibit a healthy body image and celebrate all bodies

• Talk regularly about how media influences self-image and point out images that promote unrealistic expectations

• Compliment youth on their skills, perseverance, and personality traits, rather than physical attributes

• Role model supportive and encouraging relationships. Do girls hear you disparage or criticize women? Or does she see, in you, an example of what strong and effective relationships can look like?

For more tips on how to talk with girls, read chapter 3, Being a Girl Today is Hard: Gender Roles, Body Image, and Confidence, of Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman. Sign-up here to have our next blog sent straight to your inbox!

"Ugh, those cookies look delicious...but I really shouldn't" 👎

So much of what girls learn about their own body image is through observing women and the relationships they have with their bodies.

Did you know that girls with women in their lives who diet and talk about food, calories, and body size are far more likely to develop issues around their own bodies at a very early age?!

The holidays, in particular, can be a time of year when girls are taking in negative messages about body image. Our girls are listening when we comment on how everything looks so delicious, but we “shouldn’t,” “couldn’t,” or “mustn’t” have dessert.

Be mindful of how you talk about your own body weight, shape, size. Take note of what you are saying about your weight and calorie intake. When we say, "Oh, those cookies look so delicious, but I just shouldn't" or "I am cheating today and going to have to do some extra time at the gym tomorrow" we are negatively shaping girls' attitudes about their own bodies and choices.

Our comments -- no matter how small -- send a powerful message to girls about what their bodies should and should not look like and their own relationship with food.

For more tips on how to talk with girls, read chapter 3, Being a Girl Today is Hard: Gender Roles, Body Image, and Confidence, of Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman. Sign-up here to have our next blog sent straight to your inbox!

Why Saying "I love your outfit" Isn't Building Her Confidence

Often, when we greet girls, one of the first things we do to start the conversation is offer a compliment about their appearance -- her cute clothes, shoes, hair or makeup. As a result, girls learn from a very early age that much of their value is wrapped up in their physical appearance. Because of this, girls have an extremely difficult time identifying internal qualities that hold value -- qualities that cultivate true confidence in themselves.

Rather than complimenting girls on their physical appearance, recognize and acknowledge a trait or characteristic that has nothing to do with how she looks. Instead of saying “your outfit is so cute” or “have you lost weight?” or “I love your makeup,” say something like:

• “You are so savvy with all of this technology!”

• “I admire your persistence this school year.”

• “I love spending time with you, you are so witty!”

With this small shift in compliments, you can encourage an internal sense of value and help her cultivate a stronger sense of self-confidence.

For more tips on how to talk with girls, read chapter 1, "What’s Really Going on For Girls, and How Can We Help Them?," of Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman. Sign-up here to have our next note sent straight to your inbox!

"How was school today" + Other Non-Starters with Teen Girls

Are you ready for the holiday season? Gathering for the holidays is a great time to catch-up with loved ones who we may not have seen in a while. Catching up with adolescents, though, can prove to be tricky. 

To get girls to actually talk with us and share more than “yes,” “no,” “fine” or “okay,” we need to ask open-ended rather than closed-ended questions. Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes, no or one-word answer.  

“How was school today” is an example of a closed-ended question. Instead, we could ask an open-ended question such as, “Tell me about something good that happened today at school.”

The next time you get to catch up in a conversation with your favorite girls, try some of these examples of open-ended questions!

• What’s your favorite Netflix show / book / musician right now?

• What’s one thing you’ve enjoyed about school this year?

• What’s one thing you’re really proud of right now?

• What’s something you’re looking forward to doing over break?

For more tips on how to talk with girls, read chapter 13, "What Girls Need," of Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman.

And, if you sign-up to hear more from The ROX Institute, our next note will come straight to your inbox!

Supporting Girls During Times of Collective Crisis & Trauma

When girls perceive the world as unfair, unjust or unsafe, we have an opportunity to create a safe and supportive environment for girls to share their feelings, fears and frustrations.

“Far too often in our conversations, we have not created the space where we center our young people to understand what they need and the type of conversations that they're having with one another about what’s going on in our country.”

- Dr. Tina Pierce, ROX Trainer & Founder and CEO of WORTH (Working Through Obstacles Reaching True Heights)

CREATING SAFE SPACES FOR LISTENING & OPEN CONVERSATION

Often we wrongly assume that when girls come to us with concerns that they are looking for solutions or advice. In many cases, however, girls are just looking for someone to listen to them and attempt to understand what they are feeling. They want to be heard. If we jump in and try to provide solutions, we may unintentionally shut down the conversation.

Instead of trying to fix the problem or influence her perspective, it is important to create the space where she can express her authentic emotions without fear of being judged or told that what she feels is “wrong.” 

Take time to ensure that you understand her. Allow her to speak openly, formulate her thoughts, and try to make sense of her fears or intense emotions. Ask her if she wants your help in solving the problem or if she just needs you to listen. Sometimes simply talking out the thoughts that are swirling around in our heads can provide clarity and calm.

As we help girls distill their thoughts, we have to be cautious of our tendency to shape their opinions to be more aligned with our own. Our goal in connecting with girls is not to have them agree with us or believe our perspective, but to acknowledge and affirm theirs -- to ensure they feel understood and validated.

Finally, when girls are scared or have experienced trauma, we often want to assure them that they are safe and that “everything is going to be okay.” While this can seem supportive and feel like the right thing to say, the reality is that most of us cannot guarantee safety for our girls. Instead of saying, “That won’t happen to you” or “Everything is going to be okay,” we can say, “The fears you are sharing with me are real and I can see that you are scared. Let’s think about some of the things you can do to keep yourself safe and who you can reach out to if you find yourself in a scary situation.”

Girls dealing with trauma and crisis need extra sensitivity, patience and safe spaces to share their true feelings. As adults, we can validate their stressful feelings and model effective coping skills as well as brainstorm and identify strategies and support systems that will contribute to healthy coping.

Reframing Your Response: Key to Open the Lines of Communication with Girls

Let’s be honest. We, as adults, have a knack for responding to girls in ways that unintentionally raise their defenses and shut down conversation.

I don’t understand you girls and your obsession with social media.

Did you see that ridiculous performance at the awards show last night? You don’t listen to their music, do you?

Your teacher told me that you haven’t been turning in your homework, and I would like an explanation right now.

When we make comments that sound snippy, judgmental, or paternalistic, we are accidentally reinforcing the message that girls’ opinions don’t matter.

If girls, instead, could perceive our response as an attempt to understand, rather than judge, how much more additive could our communication be?

To open up the lines of communication with girls, practice “reframing the response.” To reframe our response, we pay attention to what we might normally say to girls, catch ourselves before we react, and instead shift our nonverbal and verbal messages to invite conversation.

I don’t know too much about social media. What are the apps you’re into, and what’s cool about them?

What did you think of that performance at the awards show last night?

I’m wondering if you’ve been having some trouble with your math homework. Your teacher shared some concerns with me, and I wanted to check in with you.

When we reframe our response to approach conversations with curiosity, rather than judgment, we can encourage girls to continue the conversation, to recognize she has a safe adult to turn to, and to believe that her opinions matter.

For more practical tips and tricks, check out Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman.

And, if you sign-up to hear more from The ROX Institute, our next note will come straight to your inbox!