All Bodies are Good Bodies: Teaching Girls Positive Body Image
By Julie Ohlemacher, MA
I was a sophomore in college when I hit rock bottom in my disordered relationship to food, exercise and my body. It was then that I began my slow journey of healing, starting with a sense of curiosity.
Why did I hate my body so much? Why did I feel so all-or-nothing with food? Why did I feel possessed by the gym and the calorie counter on my watch? Why was I constantly critiquing every inch of my body in the mirror?
Soon, my curiosity evolved into an academic study and a Master’s degree from The Ohio State University. What I learned is that while it’s true there are many cultural influences outside of our control that contribute to poor body image and lack of self-worth in girls from a young age, it’s also true that there is much in our control. We have the ability to teach girls that their bodies are good because they give them life and that they are so much more than their bodies.
When I was a child, the adults in my life didn’t know that their words and actions around bodies were hurting me. It was just the cultural norm.
Conversations around counting points and calories were abundant. Messages about their bodies being too big were frequent, as was poking, prodding and squeezing their bellies, wishing they would disappear. Celebrations of losing weight and becoming smaller as if that was the best thing a woman could do. Neighbor moms telling their daughters to rethink their swimsuit choices. Little ears were listening. Little brains were learning.
Soon, it was 11-year-old me standing in front of the mirror squeezing at my own belly fat wishing it would disappear.
But please hear me when I say: I do not blame any of the people in my life for my own disordered relationship with food and my body. I blame diet culture. I blame the beauty industry.
I blame entire systems making billions off of the premise that the most important thing about a woman is how closely she fits society’s standards of beauty.
All we want is to be loved, to belong. And when society tells us we must look a certain way to achieve love and belonging, how could I blame anyone for following the rules?
I’ve always been a proponent of the saying, “when we know better, we can do better.” I also always believe that we’re all doing the very best we can at any given moment in our lives. We’re going to mess up. We’re going to get things wrong. That’s ok: in fact, that’s human.
With that understanding, here are a few simple changes we can make to teach girls positive body image and meaningful self-worth.
1. Teach girls that their bodies are instruments, not ornaments.
This saying, “our bodies are instruments, not ornaments,” comes from my two favorite body image experts, Drs Lindsey and Lexie Kite. (They’re twins! Check out their book, More Than a Body, for a fantastic resource on body image.) This saying grounds us in the most critical part of body image work: shifting out of self-objectification (when we primarily see our bodies as ornaments for other people to view and judge) and back into our embodied humanity (experiencing our bodies as the living, breathing human beings that they are). When we ground ourselves in the truth that our bodies give us life, we stop living as objects to be viewed by others and start living as human beings.
Instill this into your girls by shifting conversations about bodies away from objectification. Teach girls that they don’t exist to be judged based on how closely their bodies match society’s beauty ideals (that are always changing). Instead, teach girls to value their bodies for allowing their incredible selves to move about the world. Ask girls how they feel, center conversations around who they want to be and what they want to do, rather than how they look.
2. Teach girls that their worth and value in this world is inherent. They do not need to look any certain way to be valuable.
Our culture loves to teach girls that how we look is the most important thing about us. Teach your girls that their value and worth in this world is inherent. They were filled with value and worth the day they were born, and that does not change. No matter their body size, looks, or abilities, they are worthy and valuable just as they are.
3. Instill in your girls that all bodies are good bodies.
We live in a world that praises smaller bodies as being better than larger bodies. But the reality is many of us are meant to live in bigger bodies (and healthfully so). Christy Harrison’s book, Anti-Diet, does a fantastic job teaching what true health and wellbeing look like (and spoiler: it’s not about achieving a goal weight).
When we realize that body size is as genetic as our heights, we realize that elevating smaller bodies as better than bigger bodies is another form of discrimination. Dr. Sabrina Strings even teaches that fatphobia has racist roots in her book, Fearing the Black Body.
Teach your girls that all bodies are good bodies, no matter their size or ability.
4. Avoid celebrating weight-loss or making any body-related comments.
When we celebrate weight-loss, we’re teaching the person we’re complimenting (as well as anyone else in earshot) that their smaller body is better than their bigger body. We’re focusing on how the body looks, and this is a form of objectification.
This can drive disordered eating and exercise behaviors. When I lost the most weight in college, I was engaging in very disordered behaviors. The compliments fed my disorder.
If you know a friend has been exercising more and want to celebrate her newfound joy of movement, center the conversation around how energetic she seems or ask her what she loves about that new cycling class she’s been raving about. (This is another example of shifting away from objectification and back into our humanity!)
Even compliments of, “you look great!” teach our girls that looks matter most. Try using compliments like, “it’s so good to see you!” or “I just love your energy!” or “your sense of humor is the best!”
5. Teach girls body gratitude practices.
This is an easy practice that you can do daily: perhaps at bath time, before bed, or at soccer practice. Lead by example and say, “I’m grateful that my feet let me go for that walk today! What did your feet do today that you’re grateful for?” Another example, “I’m so grateful my belly digested all that yummy food today and turned it into nutrients! What are you grateful for your belly doing today?”
Remember: this is about what our bodies do for us. Not about how our bodies look. The more we regularly appreciate all that our bodies do for us, the more positive and abundant relationships we will build with our bodies.
Center clothing (including swimsuit) conversations around what feels most comfortable on their (or your!) body.
When shopping or getting dressed, center your conversation around how the clothes feel on her body: will the clothes allow her to move throughout her day in a comfortable way?
When looking for swimsuits, for example, will the suit stay on when she’s jumping into the pool or splashing in the waves? Encourage her to think about how the swimsuit will allow her to have fun in the sun, rather than focusing on how she looks. Think functionality. This again shifts us away from objectifying our bodies.
6. Lead by example.
You may have noticed that much of the above work is led by you – the mentor in your girls’ lives. It’s about your words, your actions.
This takes practice and is not the norm for most of us given our cultural conditioning. While many of us struggle with our own body image, it can feel hard to be a beacon of self-love for our girls. Exercise lots of grace and self-compassion as you begin thinking about these teachings.
If you’re looking for more help and support, feel free to email me at julie@julieohlemacher.com for more resources. My podcast, “The Babesment,” has two years’ worth of episodes to listen to and can be found anywhere you listen to podcasts. And as mentioned before, More Than a Body by Drs Lindsey and Lexie Kite, as well as Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison, MPH, RD, are great books to further your learning.