Why Saying "I love your outfit" Isn't Building Her Confidence

Often, when we greet girls, one of the first things we do to start the conversation is offer a compliment about their appearance -- her cute clothes, shoes, hair or makeup. As a result, girls learn from a very early age that much of their value is wrapped up in their physical appearance. Because of this, girls have an extremely difficult time identifying internal qualities that hold value -- qualities that cultivate true confidence in themselves.

Rather than complimenting girls on their physical appearance, recognize and acknowledge a trait or characteristic that has nothing to do with how she looks. Instead of saying “your outfit is so cute” or “have you lost weight?” or “I love your makeup,” say something like:

• “You are so savvy with all of this technology!”

• “I admire your persistence this school year.”

• “I love spending time with you, you are so witty!”

With this small shift in compliments, you can encourage an internal sense of value and help her cultivate a stronger sense of self-confidence.

For more tips on how to talk with girls, read chapter 1, "What’s Really Going on For Girls, and How Can We Help Them?," of Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman. Sign-up here to have our next note sent straight to your inbox!