"How was school today" + Other Non-Starters with Teen Girls
Are you ready for the holiday season? Gathering for the holidays is a great time to catch-up with loved ones who we may not have seen in a while. Catching up with adolescents, though, can prove to be tricky.
To get girls to actually talk with us and share more than “yes,” “no,” “fine” or “okay,” we need to ask open-ended rather than closed-ended questions. Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes, no or one-word answer.
“How was school today” is an example of a closed-ended question. Instead, we could ask an open-ended question such as, “Tell me about something good that happened today at school.”
The next time you get to catch up in a conversation with your favorite girls, try some of these examples of open-ended questions!
What’s your favorite Netflix show / book / musician right now?
What’s one thing you’ve enjoyed about school this year?
What’s one thing you’re really proud of right now?
What’s something you’re looking forward to doing over break?
For more tips on how to talk with girls, read chapter 13, "What Girls Need," of Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman.
And, if you sign-up to hear more from The ROX Institute, our next note will come straight to your inbox!
Supporting Girls During Times of Collective Crisis & Trauma
When girls perceive the world as unfair, unjust or unsafe, we have an opportunity to create a safe and supportive environment for girls to share their feelings, fears and frustrations.
“Far too often in our conversations, we have not created the space where we center our young people to understand what they need and the type of conversations that they're having with one another about what’s going on in our country.”
- Dr. Tina Pierce, ROX Trainer & Founder and CEO of WORTH (Working Through Obstacles Reaching True Heights)
CREATING SAFE SPACES FOR LISTENING & OPEN CONVERSATION
Often we wrongly assume that when girls come to us with concerns that they are looking for solutions or advice. In many cases, however, girls are just looking for someone to listen to them and attempt to understand what they are feeling. They want to be heard. If we jump in and try to provide solutions, we may unintentionally shut down the conversation.
Instead of trying to fix the problem or influence her perspective, it is important to create the space where she can express her authentic emotions without fear of being judged or told that what she feels is “wrong.”
Take time to ensure that you understand her. Allow her to speak openly, formulate her thoughts, and try to make sense of her fears or intense emotions. Ask her if she wants your help in solving the problem or if she just needs you to listen. Sometimes simply talking out the thoughts that are swirling around in our heads can provide clarity and calm.
As we help girls distill their thoughts, we have to be cautious of our tendency to shape their opinions to be more aligned with our own. Our goal in connecting with girls is not to have them agree with us or believe our perspective, but to acknowledge and affirm theirs -- to ensure they feel understood and validated.
Finally, when girls are scared or have experienced trauma, we often want to assure them that they are safe and that “everything is going to be okay.” While this can seem supportive and feel like the right thing to say, the reality is that most of us cannot guarantee safety for our girls. Instead of saying, “That won’t happen to you” or “Everything is going to be okay,” we can say, “The fears you are sharing with me are real and I can see that you are scared. Let’s think about some of the things you can do to keep yourself safe and who you can reach out to if you find yourself in a scary situation.”
Girls dealing with trauma and crisis need extra sensitivity, patience and safe spaces to share their true feelings. As adults, we can validate their stressful feelings and model effective coping skills as well as brainstorm and identify strategies and support systems that will contribute to healthy coping.
Reframing Your Response: Key to Open the Lines of Communication with Girls
Let’s be honest. We, as adults, have a knack for responding to girls in ways that unintentionally raise their defenses and shut down conversation.
I don’t understand you girls and your obsession with social media.
Did you see that ridiculous performance at the awards show last night? You don’t listen to their music, do you?
Your teacher told me that you haven’t been turning in your homework, and I would like an explanation right now.
When we make comments that sound snippy, judgmental, or paternalistic, we are accidentally reinforcing the message that girls’ opinions don’t matter.
If girls, instead, could perceive our response as an attempt to understand, rather than judge, how much more additive could our communication be?
To open up the lines of communication with girls, practice “reframing the response.” To reframe our response, we pay attention to what we might normally say to girls, catch ourselves before we react, and instead shift our nonverbal and verbal messages to invite conversation.
I don’t know too much about social media. What are the apps you’re into, and what’s cool about them?
What did you think of that performance at the awards show last night?
I’m wondering if you’ve been having some trouble with your math homework. Your teacher shared some concerns with me, and I wanted to check in with you.
When we reframe our response to approach conversations with curiosity, rather than judgment, we can encourage girls to continue the conversation, to recognize she has a safe adult to turn to, and to believe that her opinions matter.
For more practical tips and tricks, check out Girls Without Limits: Helping Girls Succeed in Relationships, Academics, Careers, and Life by Dr. Lisa Hinkelman.
And, if you sign-up to hear more from The ROX Institute, our next note will come straight to your inbox!